Middle-aged Woman Found Pinned by Latvian Teen

Just in. (9:18 Eastern, 3/2/10).

Weird News reports that a diminutive middle-aged woman, name withheld by authorities, was found pinned by a Latvian teen, slumped over on patio furniture behind a small suburban home in a sleepy southern city. Apparently, following a late-night rock fest, nosy neighbors called police.

The two were discovered lying among an inordinate amount of discarded candy wrappers and fast food containers indicating consumption of Kit Kats, Butterfingers, Krispy Kremes, and more than three dozen Big Macs. They appeared to be comatose, and the woman sustained minor injuries when the large Latvian keeled over on top of her.

Doctors at the Emergency Room treated the pair with piping coffee, and an IV drip for the 4’11” woman, at first thought to be suffering some sort of strange aphasic episode. She was heard repeating alternating refrains of “Murphy, Murphy, please no more” and “Latvia kicked that Murphy’s ass.”

Local public school officials and police officers pieced together the story with the assistance of the woman’s teenage son. It appears that the single mother of two, after an extended period of what her son refers to as “tough times,” feels beholden to the 17-year old, and bestowed upon him an undisclosed amount of American junk food by way of thanks, during an impromptu teenage gathering. As neither she nor the Latvian exchange student had homework, they remained outside talking and eating while the other revelers retired earlier to Calculus, Theory of Knowledge, and Faulkner.

The woman was clutching a black bracelet around her wrist at the time she was brought to the ER.

It was strung with small stones, and delicate threads of silver, tightly wound around a black cord.

According to investigators, the beads are in fact Latvian dzintars, and the bracelet is assumed to be the equivalent of a 1960s frat pin. This token was given to the woman by the young man some 24 hours before, on Day 5 of his stay with her family.

While neighbors wagged their fingers and clucked their tongues, no laws or city ordinances were broken, and no charges have been filed at this time. The 6’1″ Baltic State former teen rock sensation appears to have suffered no permanent damage, and swore to authorities to limit his sugar consumption for the remainder of his American stay.

The woman and Latvian student were released to the custody of the sanest member of the household, her 16-year old son, who told authorities he would lock up the sweets, but he couldn’t bear to take the bracelet away from his mother, who was now convinced that their guest was a actually a lucky Leprechaun from Limerick, and that the dzintars – amber, formed of tree resin, containing minute bits of fossilized insects – possessed magical powers and brought good fortune.

Under questioning by school officials, the foreign student admitted that his host mother had invited him to remain indefinitely, and he describes their family as “atypical Americans, fun,” and he insists he “does not mind sleeping in the closet.”

A third teen male, age 18, is expected to arrive on the scene in a matter of days. “All hell is going to break loose,” stated and unnamed source. Papparazzi are rumored to be staking out the residence, particularly as March 17 approaches.

© D A Wolf